Dear Future Me:
If and when you are bed bound everyone will be glad if you are peaceful and content. No one wants to clean cranky people. That said, remember that your constant and loving caretakers will have troubled and mixed emotions when a nurse says that you “could live another few months.”
Because no matter how much you are loved or despised everyone needs to make future plans. No one will blatantly wish you dead but on the other other hand, wishing you a long bed bound life is problematic for a lot of gut wrenching reasons.
After all, unless you have a lot of unfinished business and you are seeking peace, your lingering really slows everyone down.
Of course, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe everyone needs solid so I ally acceptable excuses to slow to a crawl, to put life on hold.
For me, this big waiting has been my full experience as a mother and caretaker…waiting for baby to sit up to be spoon-fed, waiting for first steps, waiting for kindergarten, waiting for graduation.
Maybe waiting isn’t the correct word, maybe it’s indicative of my skewed and pathetic feeling that my career is on hold and will remain so as I continue to inhabit this space as caretaker. It wasn’t so much toe tapping as it was anticipation of markers along the way..
So Future Me: there will be others on hold waiting for your resolution… You can’t rush it or can you?
Does time slow now? If you can do nothing and go nowhere does it feel like being a bored kid in the middle of summer vacation thinking ” I can’t wait up I’m older and I can DO things”
Or does it feel like I’m so glad my heart beats on and I can marvel at the light?
You can tell, Future Me…we all wonder what you are thinking when you get quiet. Are your thoughts hazy, incomplete? Or do you ache with painful inner knowledge? Do you stay quiet so as to not ruin your legacy with words you cannot say because soon you cannot take them back?
Don’t spare us, we are curious…tell us what it’s like to die slowly.