Posted in young then older


I am overwhelmed.  Completely.  Heart attack city, ready to cash it in (not really).  All the skills I’ve developed over the years fill hollow, based on:

a)  time (I have time to do trail and error and to dick around til its right)

b) money (I’ve been supported so I can purchase good equipment and software that does the job for me.)

I can’t do rations or percentages, I am equipped with a very small set of ephemeral tools that are evaporating as I speak.

I can copywriter, but not really, I’m not a big concept person.

I can market, I understand audiences, but not through true numbers or science.

Yesterday I worked all day to produce our two newsletters for April Fools Day.  This included filming a video to upload onto YouTube.  All skills I couldn’t do three years ago, now I can do quickly.  Twelve hours later Erik is disappointed because the subject line ‘gives it away’. 

Well he is right, it did.  I didn’t really think it would be that obvious, but on the other hand, I figured everyone in the world is expecting our April Fools joke, so, why not own up to it?  I didn’t tell him that’s what I was thinking, though.

So I ruined April Fools for him, he was working on it all year.  It will probably be ruined forever too, he’ll never remember everything else I did for him, just this, just how I fucked this one thing up.

So, when at 9:30 at night I finally get back to working on my thing, my resume, and I admit in passing that the marketing job I was looking at seemed a little beyond me, he went ahead and confirmed it.

Why is it that I seemed to always be around people who are happy to poke fun at my short-comings?  I readily admit them…they pick up on it and remind me.

I could just as soon say, well what about you?  You want to weld, but you don’t want to do the math either, right?

I am sad and I feel desperate.  Part of me feels good for nothing else, retail feels like such a step down, a job as a personal assistant is just another round of low self esteem building.  I don’t feel like I can keep teaching myself everything.

My insides are raw.



Maria Young Ace Certified Personal Fitness Trainer, Experienced Registered Yoga Teacher (500) Independent Contractor providing the following services: Office Management, Bookkeeping, Web Design, Marketing and Instruction in Yoga and Martial Arts for children and adults. Black Belt, 4 year program, LockBoxing. Maria studied under Erik Lee and won Grand Champion at the Kuk Sool Tri-State Tournament in 2006. Experience Certified Yoga Instructor: 700 hour level. At Piedmont Yoga, Maria’s main instructors were Richard Rosen, Rodney Yee, and Clare Finn. To them she is eternally grateful. Richard Rosen, founder Piedmont Yoga Studio & editor of Yoga Journal says: “Among the 30...students Maria was always among the more assiduous and adept.  If you’re thinking of adding Yoga instruction to your program, then I highly recommend Maria for the job.” College: CSULB: B.A. English Literature, UC Berkeley: M.A. Comparative Literature