I am overwhelmed. Completely. Heart attack city, ready to cash it in (not really). All the skills I’ve developed over the years fill hollow, based on:
a) time (I have time to do trail and error and to dick around til its right)
b) money (I’ve been supported so I can purchase good equipment and software that does the job for me.)
I can’t do rations or percentages, I am equipped with a very small set of ephemeral tools that are evaporating as I speak.
I can copywriter, but not really, I’m not a big concept person.
I can market, I understand audiences, but not through true numbers or science.
Yesterday I worked all day to produce our two newsletters for April Fools Day. This included filming a video to upload onto YouTube. All skills I couldn’t do three years ago, now I can do quickly. Twelve hours later Erik is disappointed because the subject line ‘gives it away’.
Well he is right, it did. I didn’t really think it would be that obvious, but on the other hand, I figured everyone in the world is expecting our April Fools joke, so, why not own up to it? I didn’t tell him that’s what I was thinking, though.
So I ruined April Fools for him, he was working on it all year. It will probably be ruined forever too, he’ll never remember everything else I did for him, just this, just how I fucked this one thing up.
So, when at 9:30 at night I finally get back to working on my thing, my resume, and I admit in passing that the marketing job I was looking at seemed a little beyond me, he went ahead and confirmed it.
Why is it that I seemed to always be around people who are happy to poke fun at my short-comings? I readily admit them…they pick up on it and remind me.
I could just as soon say, well what about you? You want to weld, but you don’t want to do the math either, right?
I am sad and I feel desperate. Part of me feels good for nothing else, retail feels like such a step down, a job as a personal assistant is just another round of low self esteem building. I don’t feel like I can keep teaching myself everything.
My insides are raw.