On Jul 1, 2010, at 8:17 PM, John Young wrote:
Yesterday may have been the smoothest day for me since surgery. May pain and mental attitude was pretty level across the board. Today is better yet. I feel like I improved about 50% each day, but might just now resemble a early human being.
I was able to bathe completely today and I shaved yesterday. That helped because there is some sour smell that I smell regularly that drives me mad. Not sure what it is. Probably a mix of dead cells, sweat, and spent RX. Robin and Lily says they don’t smell anything, so maybe it is just the med they have me rubbing in my nose.
My worst day so far was Sunday and Monday. Sunday for the pain and set back that I felt. And Monday for the pain and rage I felt. When I checked out on Monday I was green to the gills. They gave me a shot for the nausea that helped, but that with the lingering migraine was miserable. I got home and was nothing close to pleasant with Robin and Lily. I would have hoped the human side of me could have overcame the basic nature of being an animal,but it did not.
Tuesday I woke up with rage, depression, and guilt. That faded as I got ahead of my pain and got some food in me too. However, that night I was back in the Emergency Room. It turned out to me nothing, but got me behind my food and meds.
Yesterday, went smooth. Robin made sure I ate, and took my meds in time. I seem to have good mix right now, but know that could change too. My mind seemed less primitive. My co-worker called and we talked about the cycle of surgery and he mentioned the rage. I told him it surprised me.
I would normally think it was the pain meds that cause that instability, but lying there I felt different. Whenever I closed my eyes I saw images of sharp triangles, thorns, etc. They were different colors of red, blue, white. Sometimes they seem metal, crystal, biological, and once like grass under moving water.
Whenever I would start to fall asleep I would hear a noise of a footstep, door/cabinet shut, AC kick in, and it would sound like the crack of rifle. My body would jump adrenalin would shoot through my body. I would be instantly angry.
Robin came in Tuesday morning and we spoke about it. It was very helpful. She said well basically as far as your body is concerned you were gored and some how survived. I think that is the basic level of truth of where I am at.
The basic center of my brain feels that way. Each day outer layer of my brain comes back into focus, but the brain works from the center out. The outer layers interrupt the singals from the outer layers, but can not communicate back to the center. I just am able to reason it out. That does not help with the initial response, dream, images or feelings I have.
I remember being a kid and learning how injured dogs can snap at people they knew there whole life if that dog was injured. I could not understand it. How come they did not know I was there to help. I understand the dog now.
The anger is just so basic, instinctual, and close to a pure reflex after an injury. As a person I know, I am healthier than ever before because of this planned surgery. My body is different. It only know that somehow I survived being skewered. I was fine, then woke up with an injury that should have killed me.
The pain is less than that from my back injury, but the body’s response is much stronger. There is some intelligence, basic as it can be, to the bodies response here.
Anyway, I am doing great. I am very sorry for having snapped and gotten angry. I really do appreciate everyones help, effort, and expense. I can’t thank you enough, and snapping at you all was not the way I wanted to respond.
I have to rush out to my doctor’s appointment now.
Love you all